For the past eight months, I have not been able to sing. In my head I would sing every day. Music lyrics just play in my mind and my soul sings them, but I physically could not do it. At Mass, I could not even pick up the music missal. I don’t know if I was afraid of crying my way through the words. It seems as though all of my life, music has helped me in my faith and trust in God. I’ve often said that some songs seem to be written along with Divine Inspiration. When I was in a Detailed Ultrasound with a Cardiologist, and three Maternal Fetal Medicine Doctors they were busy with the doppler going over and over my enlarged tummy. They were talking to each other trying to figure out why the enlarged heart chamber. They were using big medical words and were not so promising with the outcome. As I faded out the words and the medical equipment, my eyes fell back over to the upper TV screen and the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. Our baby was yawning. He then decided to pull and tug on his foot. He smacked his tiny mouth open and closed for me to see. A song played in my head with full music accompaniment by Third day, Show me Your Glory. This is now to me, Matthew’s song….
I caught a glimpse of Your splendor
In the corner of my eye
The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen
And it was like a flash of lightning
Reflected off the sky
And I know I’ll never be the same
Could this be a baby who would never be here? The Doctors were sure they’d never see us again. They made the appointment, but looked at us in the eyes and said, We probably won’t see you at this next appointment. They really didn’t leave us with much hope. They told us what “might”be possible. They were very delicate with how they told us. We knew it was bad. We listened. We saw it. Still they knew he’d not make it to the next appointment four weeks away. I smiled and tearfully said to my husband, “he’s alive today”
For three hours we drove back home to our children. We knew our baby was not okay, but I had just seen the most beautiful thing, our baby moving on the screen.
Our baby did make it to the next several appointments until he was delivered last July. He made it for three days in our world before his time here was over.
It was like a flash of lightning. And like the music that plays in my head, “I’ll never be the same”
Music to this day, eight months later still touches me. For me, Matthew’s song will always make me remember the day when it was just us in that dark ultrasound room trying to drown out the bad news and focus on the good. He was alive that day as happy as he could be.
I am amazed how I can feel God’s presence speaking to me through song. We recently ordered my teenage daughter a new CD by Britt Nicole. We put it on the ipod for her, but before handing it off to her, I wanted to hear the lyrics. We played it a few times together in the car. She liked the beat to the fast songs. I even thought of her dancing around in her room to the CD like I used to when I was her age. We skipped though most of the “slower” songs.
Upon our return from our three week vacation, I was faced with a back yard full of weeds. Our littlest one apparently is allergic to one of the types growing in the backyard so I went out at nap time yesterday determined to pull everyone of them. I put on the ipod and let it play straight through the CD, songs fast and slow. As the Texas sun beat down on me and my gloves were covered in dirt, I found myself lost in the music not realizing how much I had pulled. As the CD got closer to the end, the words to a song I don’t think we’d ever made it to in the car came on and all of the sudden, I hear the words,
Life has come and left you blinded,
Stole your smile and left you crying,
Grabbing the weeds at the base and hearing the words, tears fell. I think when you go through something hard, its easy to put on a smile for others, but inside, your smile is gone.
The music continued
Your heart’s tangled up in silence,
It’s time to let go,
Feel the light,
Out in the hot sun, dirty and messy, It was just me and a song. A song written by a twenty year old who has just touched me with her lyrics.
No, I never have lost faith or hope in God. I have been very thankful for all that He has given me. Throughout the entire pregnancy with Matthew, I trusted God. My faith is strong and I know that His wisdom knows best. Just like those tough weeds that will fade away once out of the ground and the beautiful green grass will show through, my smile will be softened by God’s grace and I will feel the light again.