All I could say was…

Throughout our journey with Matthew, we were faced with so many doubts and negative remarks… my answer to each one was, “well, he’s alive today..” ( with a smile). Some took it hard and said ” Why bother?” others were just amazed we had  any hope at all. I think most of what we had was Grace. I think what Grace we had that came from so many prayers, carried us through the hard times as well as the hard questions from others as they questioned our openness again to life after so many trials.  God first of all, never promised  life in this world  would  be easy.. he also asked us to pick up our cross and follow him. …. I know there has been a thought that if we were able to lay our cross down at the altar and choose another, we’d look around the room and sheepishly take our own cross back. The crosses he asks us to bear are the ones He has chosen for us to carry. I once heard the words.. “It’s not always  happy endings, but its happy In-Betweens….”

This is one of the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through.  All those baby clothes were put away. The car seat, passed on to a new expectant mother,  The crib, tucked away under the bed. The cloth diapers, all bagged up.

We are slowly approaching July.. where so many of my “in-betweens” took place. All those baby kicks my children got to feel… All the hope that “maybe” it’ll work out…. I was never mad. I never questioned God. I did fall into a depression as anyone would losing a loved one. Its one I will come out of.  I am doing better.

it  is a cross…

Heavy,

Hard,

splinters in the shoulder, yes….

I  marvel at how God works. I am amazed at how I am met with a situation and say to myself, “I could never do that”… with each situation, God has challenged me…. I could never.. “oh yes you can, Emily…..”

With Matthew, I was told so many bad things,…. “he’ll never make it to…” He won’t….” You won’t be at your next appt…”

All I could say was.. He’s alive today. I’d look down at my  own expanding belly and say, he’s alive today.  If only I  was to know this son in utero…I knew him that day… Each day he kicked, each day he moved…. he was alive today. With every appointment scheduled, no one thought we’d be at the next.. ” He’s alive today….” the next appointment we’d go…

With each day, God wanted  us to know this baby,…on that day… He was alive that day…..

With any bad  situation, with every  bad prognosis, look for the good in  THAT day…. God allowed us to have Matthew alive each and every day in utero.  Our five living children only knew him in utero.. My Doctors knew him on the Ultrasound screen… he was alive that day.

All I can say now is, I wouldn’t trade  my time with Matthew inside or the three days we spent with him in the NICU for anything.  I am so grateful that God allowed us to spend  last summer with him.

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6 thoughts on “All I could say was…

  1. Emily, your posts never fail to move me to tears. Yous was one of the first blogs I ever found and this is about the time I caught up to you, one year ago. You were filled with God’s grace then, and you still are today. I’ll continue to hold you up in prayer in hopes that it can somehow help you to get through this next very difficult month. Take care, hug your kids and know that Matthew is praying for you too, in between playing with the angels 🙂

  2. Em, I pray for you and your healing everyday still. Love you so much and know that you have a special mission here to be asked to endure so much. See you soon!

  3. You truly are a witness to Grace–never mind the fact that you have always moved in its waters! Love you Em! Happy Anniversary! This will be a great post for my sis–thanks Em!

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